Doesn’t hurt to try!

I withdrew from college in 2013 due to the stressors of life living with bipolar disorder. Now that I’m emotional stable, happy, and mature I decided to apply to a major university. My brother proposed the idea to start a go fund me account to help with the increasing cost of education. I guess it doesn’t hurt to try to seek additional help as the funds will help me continue my education and  be that authentic mental health/bipolar disorder advocate.

Please feel free to help support my life mission, and I thank you in advance for any donations. 

http://www.gofundme.com/bipolar-disorder-advocate 

The final stage-Acceptance

The grieving process starts with denial, and ends with acceptance

   The process is pretty much the same for all types of loss. From the death of a loved one, to the end of a dream career, grief takes place using the following 5 stages (indentified by psychologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) : denial, anger, bargaining, depression & lastly acceptance.

   Getting  diagnosed with a mental illness is like losing a loved one, but that loved one is you. 

  1. Denial – I knew I was different from my peers at an early age, but that didn’t stop me from trying my very best to fit in. I would get in trouble alot as a teen because of my impulsive behavior and constant need for attention, good or bad. I shifted the blame on everyone else but myself  until that got old. I had anxiety/depression  issues to begin with which led to me being prescribed xanax, klonopins, and every antidepressant under the sun at 18. Even after popping a handful of pills just to stay afloat, you wouldn’t dare call me looney. After being hospitalized & going to treatment centers, I still felt like the doctors read me all wrong………
  2. Anger – Once I accepted my flaws I stopped giving a damn about myself and everyone around me. I turned my back on God and I hated him for punishing me. I grew cold and bitter, and everyday I woke up I cursed at God for giving me another day. What did I do to deserve this burden?
  3. Bargaining –  Maybe if I quit smoking weed (more like slow down), go to a non denominational church, & start working out more all of this bs will fade and I will feel better. I wouldnt need to take any pills and could live a happy life. Boy was I in for a wake up call!
  4. Depression – I stopped caring about who I was as a person, any morale I once had, and what my future had to offer. I felt stuck. I stopped taking my meds & my drug use increased. I didn’t care if I lived or died because I didnt ask to be bipolar, I never requested PTSD from the menu & histionic personality disorder was a slap in the face to the amazing girl I once thought I was. I wanted out! (Led me to my 3rd hospitalization in January 2017)
  5. Acceptance – I packed my bags and drove to the hospital sick & tired of being sick & tired. I had enough! I was ready listen to what others had to say & digest it into every fiber or my being. What I have been doing in the past ceased to work so it only made sense to try something new. I learned so much about myself and my disorders during my stay at the hospital I started this blog! I came to terms with my illness and found peace. 

I see the world through a different set of lenses now. I’m learning more & more each day about my authentic self. Finding new strategies on being the best I can be is enticing to me. 

Even though I grieved over my old self, finding that strength to accept the truth brings me a sense of happiness I can’t even put into words 🙂

     

    Denial vs Self Awareness


    I was diagnosed with Histrionic personality disorder in December of 2015 and didn’t understand how the symptoms correlated with me.(commom amongst personality disorders)
    Here’s a forum post from a while ago in which I ponder on which is worse. Denial or Self-Awareness.


    In Aug 2013 I was diagnosed with BP-NOS at a behavioral hospital less than 24hrs after being admitted. The time frame raised my suspicions of accuracy, so I mentally labeled the facility a joke and shrugged it off…

    2 years later, Dec 2015 I was diagnosed with BP1 /HPD at a 30 day addiction treatment center. I agreed on the bp diagnosis this time, but hpd? You gotta be kidding me!

    The facility pdoc started explaining hpd to me and following up with questions of what I would do in certain situations, what staff/counselors have witnessed and documented, etc. I could relate to most if not all he was saying, but cant we all? I felt like he was taking a major jab at my personality and was just grasping at straws… like the rest of the world was perfect.
    I left that session infuriated, insulted, confused, and destined to create and carry out an escape plan to leave rehab AMA! (don’t worry I stayed 8) )

    After countless research (how I found this forum!!) I gained a deeper understanding of the disorder, but still found it odd that a doctor can diagnose a pt with a personality disorder because they have a few quirks that make them unique. I didn’t feel like my persona did any harm in my life and justified that w/ the many compliments and obvious envy I received from peers throughout life. 

    It was like a slap in the face from the truth after I mentioned to my mother how inappropriately short a family members shorts were at a family function. She replied “You use to wear even shorter shorts then that! Don’t you remember the scantily clad dress you wore to mass Easter Sunday??*chuckles* glad you came back to your senses…”

    I couldn’t deny that fact and immediately became disgusted with myself. Suppressed memories of my youth to present day kept replaying over and over in my head. I couldn’t stop analyzing my past and seeing how it so obviously mirrored hpd traits. I was embarrassed of my ignorance and fell into a depressive state which lasted from February 2016 until about 2 weeks ago.

    To those who have been diagnosed w/ hpd, do you feel better now that you have “the answer” to your life? Do you feel a little less confident in your actions bc you know they are influenced by hpd? Was life better before diagnosis/self-awareness?

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    a life of bliss

    My #1 goal in life is to help those who want it, and raise awareness to those who need it.
    Giving back, offering a hand, providing a shoulder to lean/cry on, advising those who ask for it, and over all helping others overcome adversity. 

     Raising awareness for those communities in serious need of mental health education is what matters to me.

     I want to get to the root of why people form stigmas.

    I want to understand why ostracizing those who are confident enough to improve their mental health though acknowledgment and action is common law.

    I understand that these grandious life goals will not happen overnight & I am not superman and can’t save everybody and that is just okay.

    I plan on going to the University of Houston in the fall to FINALLY finish getting my bachelors in psychology. Getting my PHD or PsyD is what  I am aiming for.

    I want to research, educate, & learn more each day, as well as guide others to the path they truly want to be on.

    I’ve always been a big dreamer & now I’m at a point where I can take the steps to turn my dream goals into reality.

    Camera whore!

    Today was so much fun. I had a mini photoshoot with my close friend as my photographer.  

    I use to HATE when others would take my pictures because of my distorted sense of what I looked like which started when I hit puberty.

     I always thought every picture taken was horrendous and deserved to be deleted, or I would assume the person who took the photo had some alterior motives and purposely was trying to screw me over lol. (Especially if they took it a step further and posted one on social media)

    My prepubecent years on the other hand were filled with me being excited and in love with  being in beauty pageants, modeling, acting etc. I was definately a camera whore as a kid and being in the entertainment business use to be one of my dream goals.

    I find it amazing that stabilizing on my bp medication, therapy, and a great support system does help you get that motivation to do what you once loved & actually enjoy it! My photographer and I are actually working on putting together my composite & portfolio. 

    Starting to get to know yourself after past trauma is hard but I feel like today was a huge step in the right direction, and I can’t wait for our next shoot!!

    I love the way you lie.

    Real eyes realize real lies is a FACT because I can sense a lie before the question was even asked 

    It’s a prize I won for being through so much crap

     You tend to notice the difference between gold and yellow painted scraps

    Your words hold no weight when your body language is out of whack

    Your sorrys mean nothing when you stab me but swear you got my back

    Subconciously, I put myself in the shoes of everyone around me

    Its a blessings and curse to see the beauty in all things

    Which is why no lie is worth telling me

     good people dont get fooled we get smarter unwillingly

    A wise man once told me to trust everyone you see, and if they mess up still trust them to be true to who they really are to be

    Those words stuck with me

     my real eyes dont look past the subtle things 

    I realize that a liar could never fuck with me 

    because a real lie is an oxymoron and is only as real as you choose it to be

    End.

    headache to heartache

    04_102771146

    You can try & numb the pain but it will never go away word to cudi.

    Strangers physically but emotionally best buddies.

    Adult kids of trauma minus the huggies.

    Peers read me wrong laughing  when nothings funny.

    Then u got the dude who offer u molly thinking they gone get lucky.

    Been popping scripts since a teen your molly wont even touch me.

    I’ll take em any way & proceed to play u like a dummy.

    My intuition never failed me since the day my parents failed me.

    6am in the morning moms illness got her gardening, vacuuming & slamming cabinets simultaneously

    Were are a little deranged you see…

    Growing up paranoid questioning if its them or me.

    Like a car riding on E, please dont gaslight me.

    Born with a cursed sense of doom i see & question the elephants in the room.

    How can you be so blind to the facts denile is the modern day suicide pact

    Did I lose yall? Feel free to booo yall..better yet hit snooze yall

    end up missing life waiting 4 that pseudo wake up call.

    No amber alerts needed I tend to be found when my self worth is:

    Depleated
    Defeated
    Deleted

    Then i bounce right back like I just got dc’d from treatment

    Its no secret its my weakness

    dads advice on showing emotion means you must be a weak bitch.

    Too bad your opinion is sub par and my life is on a winning streak….

    So kindly miss me with your misery…

    Bipoetry


    They say tomorrow is not promised today. Sounds alot like my moods on any given day.

     Today I feel calm due to a dream i rather not speak on.

     But yet I still worry about the emotional faith of my tomorrows. I fear of night terrors that will throw me off into deep sorrow.

    Does anybody have extra space in their brain I can borrow please? I just need to dump my excessive thoughts on someone other than me. 

    Alone but never lonely. Had plenty homies who fell in love with the old me. Now they dont even know me. I dont even know me. Everything before the age of 23 is blur to me

     a constant state of lement doesnt define me I promise.

     It’s just easier put my pain into words & my happiness into action…Everyday i discover more & more about what made me happy back then.

    Being bipolar doesnt define me & ptsd can kiss my back end. Malleable is my mental so I dont break just occasionally bend. 

    End.

    Normal wear & tear

     

    life’s normal human wear & tear
    Homeless man with a sign saying “didn’t vote trump…Hungry”

    I laughed at the irony, how could u not find it funny
    he’s no dummy
    profiting off an election? Ol dude is smart I just had to give him money.
    Moms always said give in good spirit & he will never go hungry
    Even when I know he feining, he will use it to fill his tummy….but thats neither here nor there

    lifes normal human wear & tear
    segue struggles got me…stuck

     

    pussy.

    power.

    profit.

    headache.
    dont vibe with me too much
    abstract thinker cliches i was born this way

    10 years of age beggin my moms 4 an epic bday party on top of a major freeway
    I remember that was the day she said i dreamed way to big for my age

    My mind is massive/attractive/multifaceted.
    My intellect turns it on, your feux beauty makes it flaccid
    but deep down i struggle like tardiness to a preshift huddle
    been altering my mental since 12 from scripts to illegal sales, my need for pills just to shutup/ or me second guessing social cues like im on the spectrum scale



    & no these pills are not for resale so dont ask im not goodwil..but im not looking for self pity..
    Did I confuse yall with my thoughts already? Why do I question alot already?

    Why do i come off as shy and petty but inside me & freddy competing for most deadly.

    I never know how to end these writings its like that neuron in my brain keeps reigniting
    ..
    But its cool though.