Denial vs Self Awareness


I was diagnosed with Histrionic personality disorder in December of 2015 and didn’t understand how the symptoms correlated with me.(commom amongst personality disorders)
Here’s a forum post from a while ago in which I ponder on which is worse. Denial or Self-Awareness.


In Aug 2013 I was diagnosed with BP-NOS at a behavioral hospital less than 24hrs after being admitted. The time frame raised my suspicions of accuracy, so I mentally labeled the facility a joke and shrugged it off…

2 years later, Dec 2015 I was diagnosed with BP1 /HPD at a 30 day addiction treatment center. I agreed on the bp diagnosis this time, but hpd? You gotta be kidding me!

The facility pdoc started explaining hpd to me and following up with questions of what I would do in certain situations, what staff/counselors have witnessed and documented, etc. I could relate to most if not all he was saying, but cant we all? I felt like he was taking a major jab at my personality and was just grasping at straws… like the rest of the world was perfect.
I left that session infuriated, insulted, confused, and destined to create and carry out an escape plan to leave rehab AMA! (don’t worry I stayed 8) )

After countless research (how I found this forum!!) I gained a deeper understanding of the disorder, but still found it odd that a doctor can diagnose a pt with a personality disorder because they have a few quirks that make them unique. I didn’t feel like my persona did any harm in my life and justified that w/ the many compliments and obvious envy I received from peers throughout life. 

It was like a slap in the face from the truth after I mentioned to my mother how inappropriately short a family members shorts were at a family function. She replied “You use to wear even shorter shorts then that! Don’t you remember the scantily clad dress you wore to mass Easter Sunday??*chuckles* glad you came back to your senses…”

I couldn’t deny that fact and immediately became disgusted with myself. Suppressed memories of my youth to present day kept replaying over and over in my head. I couldn’t stop analyzing my past and seeing how it so obviously mirrored hpd traits. I was embarrassed of my ignorance and fell into a depressive state which lasted from February 2016 until about 2 weeks ago.

To those who have been diagnosed w/ hpd, do you feel better now that you have “the answer” to your life? Do you feel a little less confident in your actions bc you know they are influenced by hpd? Was life better before diagnosis/self-awareness?

badtotheliver
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