Why don’t you love me?

I used to long for the times I thought my mother was showing me unconditional love and joy during my pre-puberty years. She was my bestfriend, sharing her drama to my juvenile ears. She was my sidekick, picking me up early from elementary school whenever I pleased and treating us to facials, mani/pedis, and juicy gossip about her so called “friends”. She spoiled me rotten as I was her only daughter amongst 4 other brothers & she loved to show me off to all who would take notice. As I was her tall, skinny, beautiful, modelesque daughter.

Looking back now, I never had an option to have a personality of my own as a child. I was made to be an extention of her. & thats what made her happy. Deviating from what she wanted me to be like or look like ignighted verbal abuse and insidious hate because “she created me, therefore I am her”

What I never understood was that the older I got & the more I wanted to do what I liked, or make/hang out with friends my age the more she subconciously grew distant from me.

When middle school came around and puberty began to hit its peak our relationship almost instantly became sour & to this day never returned back to the love and happiness we once shared.

I gained weight in middle school, but I was still a normal size.

5’7, 130lbs (didnt realize until years later that I wasn’t fat) and she was my number one critique.

I developed acne and she was my number one bully.

It came to a point where she stopped acknowledging me with a normal salutation, but rather replying to my greetings with random, unsolicited advice on my body image, comparisons of accomplishments and looks from other girls in our familiy. Rude glare eyed stares, and overall bashingness of whatever self worth I had.

Example#1
me: headed to school mom have a good day!
mom: take your phone out of your pocket it makes your hips look much wider than they already are!

Example#2
Me: *doing hw*
*mom storms in my room*
Mom: look at how well dressed (insert name here) daughter is at her sisters wedding! *put phone on top of what im currently working on* you could look like that if you didnt buy so much jeans & tshirts.

Me: im busy right now doing hw so can you leave me alone.

Mom: thats what your problem is you never care you need to be more like so & so’s daughter if you want to get ahead in life!

As time flew by this style of communication became her nature and hearing “how was your day” or “hows school” or pretty much anything that had to do with me as a whole diminished.

She knew nothing about me, and didn’t care to know either. She only knew how to communicate to me by pointing out my flaws, comparing me to the next person, or demanding a task be done.

When I finally had enough I called her out on her negativity with tears in my eyes from the pain, she denied it. In front of my brothers and father she said how could she say those types of things or ever make me feel that type of way when she put me in any activity I wanted to be in as a kid… From modeling to cheerleading (before puberty). 

Then she went on a rant about the sacrifices it took for her to do all that for me. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for all my mother did for me when I was a little girl, but all of this stopped when I hit puberty.
Im currently writing this as a 24 year old college student and my mom STILL uses “putting me in different activities as a child” to this day as a arguing point that shows she was an amazing mother when I try to question her about hurtful things she’s done to me recently.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

When I finally went to college, I started reading up in more detail on narcissism, after briefly discussing cluster b personalities in one of my psych courses. Each article, list, video, blog I researched sounded as if they were writing about my mother. I couldnt believe there was an actual term that described my mom to the T.

Easily Noticeable Traits:

-Self centered
-Turns conversation back 2 self
-Never at fault
-Charming
-Overly ambitious

Less Noticeable Traits:

-few/no close friends
-praise-worthy to her acquaintances
-picks fights when theres a crowd
– inability to apologize sincerely
-maintains perfectionism to outside world but those close would beg to differ

These are just a few traits I listed that describe my mom spot on.

As I continued my research I wanted to know the effects of a narcissist on someones well being. I ran into articles that were quite triggering to read, commenting on the daughters of narcissitic mothers. I cried as I read the similar stories as mine.

The pain ran deep as I was not the only one who suffered emotionally from what felt like a mother who never wanted to love me. There were other daughters out there just like me. I felt relieved knowing I wasn’t alone.

“I knew I wasn’t crazy” is what i repeated in my head as i read one too many similar stories by hundreds of different women.

Even though I was just reading these articles and not actually sharing my story, I felt heard for the first time ever in my life.

Since this is an actual issue that troubles some women I figured there must be a way to solve it.

I searched everywhere for articles on how to create a positive relationship with a narcissistic mother as I longed for my mothers love. No matter how bad she talked about me or treated me in the past, I just wanted a mother who would love me unconditionally.

Unfortunately the majority of the articles said the same things that I didn’t want to hear.

“Your mother will never change, look into therapy and reduce or go fully no contact if you want peace”

As much as I hate to say it, it’s true.

She didn’t care about my emotions when I was 10 and 15 years later she still doesn’t give a crap.

I am currently going through therapy and trying to figure out a happy medium with us. My therapist says avoiding her unless deemed necessary will be best in my emotional recovery, but I just can’t help but think one day she’ll change.

I been daydreaming of that one day for many years now, but a girl can only dream for so long…

Self-medicating love.

This post is dedicated to my amazing boyfriend.

Enjoy!

Gave my psychiatrist the boot then put it back on to kick my therapist to the curb…
No hard feeling over here but I no longer need your meds or your words…

Sorta found a new way to self medicate…

My love is my drug, & he leaves me feeling euphoric & heavily sedate…

God hit the trap spot and told me he was gonna be a little late…

21 years later he whipped up my perfect soul mate…

I could tell this guy was different & was shipped directly from heavens gates…

I made the first move. Our first conversation went great…

You and I started off as wild friends, sharing bottles of svedka while watching bootlegs…

Preferring comforters on the floor over squeezing in my twin bed…

You made it your mission to make me cry….

sharing your jokes and dry humor often left me teary eyed…

I grew attached to you & dreaded those 5am goodbyes!

3 Years later I still can’t believe you stuck around in my life…

Even after exposing my demons you still held me tight…

Even when my uncle tried to diss our relationship you stood even closer by my side…

By now the honeymoon phase should of faded but each day I see you it’s like when we first dated…

You cure my bad days just by being able to see your face. I knew you were made for me by the sync of our thoughts & subtle cues that we’d make….

I still laugh inside when I think of the time you got Michael Jackson & Fantasia confused, but I’m sure you have an exhaustive list of all the crazy shit I say or do…

True happiness comes from self love,
but I can’t help but thank the man above for allowing us to produce this unconditional love.

I could never grow tired of your baby lungs. Or eating pizza and wings 3 days in a row just for fun!

I love you babe & I’m glad I finally was sent “the one” 🙂

Recognizing the difference: Am I happy or hypomanic?                     

Happiness, according to Psychology Today, “is more than simply a positive mood. It is a state that encompasses living a good life with a sense of well-being and deep satisfaction.”

Happiness is consistent & is simply not obtained by bouncing from one “feel good” thing to another. 

Hypomania, on the other hand, is what I like to call “pseudohappiness.” it’s like any other drug on earth that releases dopamine, but as we know what goes up must eventually come down (aka baseline/depression). 

It feels great but is flighty.

It’s fun but risky.

It’s temporary and inconsistent.(euphoric to dysmorphic)

Hypomania can subsequently lead to full blown mania, or more commonly for me right back down to depression if left untreated.

IMO if one is med compliant, seeking therapy, and has reached a comfortable baseline in which they can wake up and feel contentment and continuous peace it can be safe to say that they are genuinly happy.

Craving or consistently seeking out “pseudohappiness” through risk taking, grandiose thinking, racing thoughts, sexual acts, etc. lead me to believe that hypomania is the one at play.

Personal examples of hypomania:

  • Everything around me is in sync. The song on the radio mentions something that happened to me the previous day. The thoughts I have are mentioned in conversations with people who can’t read my mind. I can predict time without looking at a clock. & NO IM NOT PSYCHIC lol !!
  • I can give auctioneers a run for their money when it comes to my rate of speech. I talk fast and it’s your job to keep up. 
  • My confidence turns to cockiness and everyone around me is percieved to be less than. I become a self centered prick with a classic case of “me! me! me!” syndrome.
  • I know the dysmorphia is starting to kick in when it feels like everyone is moving sooooo slowwwww. I get so irratated and annoyed. This has led me to embarrassing road rage and easily preventable car accidents.

These are just a few examples. I could probably write a book about my hypomanic self, but I’ll leave that for when I’m actually hypomanic haha!

Later 🙂