Why don’t you love me?

I used to long for the times I thought my mother was showing me unconditional love and joy during my pre-puberty years. She was my bestfriend, sharing her drama to my juvenile ears. She was my sidekick, picking me up early from elementary school whenever I pleased and treating us to facials, mani/pedis, and juicy gossip about her so called “friends”. She spoiled me rotten as I was her only daughter amongst 4 other brothers & she loved to show me off to all who would take notice. As I was her tall, skinny, beautiful, modelesque daughter.

Looking back now, I never had an option to have a personality of my own as a child. I was made to be an extention of her. & thats what made her happy. Deviating from what she wanted me to be like or look like ignighted verbal abuse and insidious hate because “she created me, therefore I am her”

What I never understood was that the older I got & the more I wanted to do what I liked, or make/hang out with friends my age the more she subconciously grew distant from me.

When middle school came around and puberty began to hit its peak our relationship almost instantly became sour & to this day never returned back to the love and happiness we once shared.

I gained weight in middle school, but I was still a normal size.

5’7, 130lbs (didnt realize until years later that I wasn’t fat) and she was my number one critique.

I developed acne and she was my number one bully.

It came to a point where she stopped acknowledging me with a normal salutation, but rather replying to my greetings with random, unsolicited advice on my body image, comparisons of accomplishments and looks from other girls in our familiy. Rude glare eyed stares, and overall bashingness of whatever self worth I had.

Example#1
me: headed to school mom have a good day!
mom: take your phone out of your pocket it makes your hips look much wider than they already are!

Example#2
Me: *doing hw*
*mom storms in my room*
Mom: look at how well dressed (insert name here) daughter is at her sisters wedding! *put phone on top of what im currently working on* you could look like that if you didnt buy so much jeans & tshirts.

Me: im busy right now doing hw so can you leave me alone.

Mom: thats what your problem is you never care you need to be more like so & so’s daughter if you want to get ahead in life!

As time flew by this style of communication became her nature and hearing “how was your day” or “hows school” or pretty much anything that had to do with me as a whole diminished.

She knew nothing about me, and didn’t care to know either. She only knew how to communicate to me by pointing out my flaws, comparing me to the next person, or demanding a task be done.

When I finally had enough I called her out on her negativity with tears in my eyes from the pain, she denied it. In front of my brothers and father she said how could she say those types of things or ever make me feel that type of way when she put me in any activity I wanted to be in as a kid… From modeling to cheerleading (before puberty). 

Then she went on a rant about the sacrifices it took for her to do all that for me. Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for all my mother did for me when I was a little girl, but all of this stopped when I hit puberty.
Im currently writing this as a 24 year old college student and my mom STILL uses “putting me in different activities as a child” to this day as a arguing point that shows she was an amazing mother when I try to question her about hurtful things she’s done to me recently.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

When I finally went to college, I started reading up in more detail on narcissism, after briefly discussing cluster b personalities in one of my psych courses. Each article, list, video, blog I researched sounded as if they were writing about my mother. I couldnt believe there was an actual term that described my mom to the T.

Easily Noticeable Traits:

-Self centered
-Turns conversation back 2 self
-Never at fault
-Charming
-Overly ambitious

Less Noticeable Traits:

-few/no close friends
-praise-worthy to her acquaintances
-picks fights when theres a crowd
– inability to apologize sincerely
-maintains perfectionism to outside world but those close would beg to differ

These are just a few traits I listed that describe my mom spot on.

As I continued my research I wanted to know the effects of a narcissist on someones well being. I ran into articles that were quite triggering to read, commenting on the daughters of narcissitic mothers. I cried as I read the similar stories as mine.

The pain ran deep as I was not the only one who suffered emotionally from what felt like a mother who never wanted to love me. There were other daughters out there just like me. I felt relieved knowing I wasn’t alone.

“I knew I wasn’t crazy” is what i repeated in my head as i read one too many similar stories by hundreds of different women.

Even though I was just reading these articles and not actually sharing my story, I felt heard for the first time ever in my life.

Since this is an actual issue that troubles some women I figured there must be a way to solve it.

I searched everywhere for articles on how to create a positive relationship with a narcissistic mother as I longed for my mothers love. No matter how bad she talked about me or treated me in the past, I just wanted a mother who would love me unconditionally.

Unfortunately the majority of the articles said the same things that I didn’t want to hear.

“Your mother will never change, look into therapy and reduce or go fully no contact if you want peace”

As much as I hate to say it, it’s true.

She didn’t care about my emotions when I was 10 and 15 years later she still doesn’t give a crap.

I am currently going through therapy and trying to figure out a happy medium with us. My therapist says avoiding her unless deemed necessary will be best in my emotional recovery, but I just can’t help but think one day she’ll change.

I been daydreaming of that one day for many years now, but a girl can only dream for so long…

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