headache to heartache

04_102771146

You can try & numb the pain but it will never go away word to cudi.

Strangers physically but emotionally best buddies.

Adult kids of trauma minus the huggies.

Peers read me wrong laughing  when nothings funny.

Then u got the dude who offer u molly thinking they gone get lucky.

Been popping scripts since a teen your molly wont even touch me.

I’ll take em any way & proceed to play u like a dummy.

My intuition never failed me since the day my parents failed me.

6am in the morning moms illness got her gardening, vacuuming & slamming cabinets simultaneously

Were are a little deranged you see…

Growing up paranoid questioning if its them or me.

Like a car riding on E, please dont gaslight me.

Born with a cursed sense of doom i see & question the elephants in the room.

How can you be so blind to the facts denile is the modern day suicide pact

Did I lose yall? Feel free to booo yall..better yet hit snooze yall

end up missing life waiting 4 that pseudo wake up call.

No amber alerts needed I tend to be found when my self worth is:

Depleated
Defeated
Deleted

Then i bounce right back like I just got dc’d from treatment

Its no secret its my weakness

dads advice on showing emotion means you must be a weak bitch.

Too bad your opinion is sub par and my life is on a winning streak….

So kindly miss me with your misery…

Bipoetry


They say tomorrow is not promised today. Sounds alot like my moods on any given day.

 Today I feel calm due to a dream i rather not speak on.

 But yet I still worry about the emotional faith of my tomorrows. I fear of night terrors that will throw me off into deep sorrow.

Does anybody have extra space in their brain I can borrow please? I just need to dump my excessive thoughts on someone other than me. 

Alone but never lonely. Had plenty homies who fell in love with the old me. Now they dont even know me. I dont even know me. Everything before the age of 23 is blur to me

 a constant state of lement doesnt define me I promise.

 It’s just easier put my pain into words & my happiness into action…Everyday i discover more & more about what made me happy back then.

Being bipolar doesnt define me & ptsd can kiss my back end. Malleable is my mental so I dont break just occasionally bend. 

End.

Normal wear & tear

 

life’s normal human wear & tear
Homeless man with a sign saying “didn’t vote trump…Hungry”

I laughed at the irony, how could u not find it funny
he’s no dummy
profiting off an election? Ol dude is smart I just had to give him money.
Moms always said give in good spirit & he will never go hungry
Even when I know he feining, he will use it to fill his tummy….but thats neither here nor there

lifes normal human wear & tear
segue struggles got me…stuck

 

pussy.

power.

profit.

headache.
dont vibe with me too much
abstract thinker cliches i was born this way

10 years of age beggin my moms 4 an epic bday party on top of a major freeway
I remember that was the day she said i dreamed way to big for my age

My mind is massive/attractive/multifaceted.
My intellect turns it on, your feux beauty makes it flaccid
but deep down i struggle like tardiness to a preshift huddle
been altering my mental since 12 from scripts to illegal sales, my need for pills just to shutup/ or me second guessing social cues like im on the spectrum scale



& no these pills are not for resale so dont ask im not goodwil..but im not looking for self pity..
Did I confuse yall with my thoughts already? Why do I question alot already?

Why do i come off as shy and petty but inside me & freddy competing for most deadly.

I never know how to end these writings its like that neuron in my brain keeps reigniting
..
But its cool though.

 I hate you bi*****

Seems like everyday I ask christ why? Why did you have to curse my innocence with such grime?

Month after month its like cycle that wont quit. Hoping to find a cure but I know none exist..

but iiiii am just human. Trying to live happy with this birth defect. While others seem misinformed and clueless.

I want to be the girl that can make new friends, but my sickness only cares bout burning bridges and loose ends.

I was happy for a while till the depression kicked in. A week full of crying until the process started over again.

My minds been racing more than usual but I cant give in. No more impulse shopping no more late night sins

I just want to be a normal adult. I wanna set goals without falling apart. I want to live without placing fault.

I hate being bipolar with every fiber of my being. I want out but I cant be a weakling.

Is a Support Group right for me?

I always leave process groups feeling like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I fully engage in them by listening to others and reflecting upon their thoughts as well as my own.

I honestly feel that support groups have a positive influence on my day to day live. Especially because I dont have a support system at home and many things trigger me that my meds/pdoc can’t actively get to the root of at the moment.

Being able to be surrounded by others like me helps me feel that I am not alone and I too can get through whatever might be hindering my happiness. Support group peers opionions, thoughts, and advice hold more weight to me because it’s almost like it takes one to know one & i know they know exactly what/how i maybe feeling because they too are going through or have gone through the same SHIT.

http://www.dbsahouston.org/online-quiz/

Click the link above to take an online quiz to see if you could benefit from a bipolar/depression support group.

i fucked up

so I got into accidents in the span of two weeks *sigh*

Now I’m carless and I feel like my life is crashing down over me. I am trying my best to stay strong and positive because as we know life goes on but its hard when your brain is always on GO MODE.

I ask God for clarity.